Carol Diehl's Art Vent: For the Men Who Still Don't Get It

Carol Diehl's Art Vent: For the Men Who Still Don't Get It: The current state of feminism has occupied my mind lately, not the least because a poem I wrote 20 years ago, essentially ...

Found: Another Work of Art via Tumblr

you fell in love as soon as we met

but i fell for you seven days before that

i glanced at you for three seconds and you blew me away

and over six hundred thousand seconds later

when i thought i had collected my confidence

you had already initiated conversation

i had never seen such an elegant being

i was in awe in every sense of the word

i was like a puzzle just shy of one million pieces

and my train of thought was the only one missing

you fill my chest with the sweetest air i have ever felt

yet i think if you take one more breath from my lungs

they will cave and infatuate themselves with my heart

we spoke again three weeks later (i think)

nothing could have stopped the stuttering of my words

i didn't know what it was about you

maybe it was your light vanilla scent

or your vibrant smile and autumn eyes

but you were beyond captivating and gorgeous

you were mine and i was yours

this was it

i love you,

i love you,

i love you.

h.c.

I'm not sure who H.C. is, but this was too beautiful not to share.

More Pictures

Hopefully you will be able to see how the headlight moved into the engine, that the alternator is crushed and the engine isn't supported at all anymore, since the frame has bent.

The trunk won't close all the way, but this truly is the best of all the damage done to this car, in all it's miles and years.

A few better perspective pictures, to show how far in the headlight is and where the engine used to be as compared to where it is now.

**Also, I currently have a rental car, a 2013 Hyundai Accent which I adore. I'm going to be so sad when I have to give that back. I'm allowed to take it to NY, so I won't ruin my Christmas plans. Things are turning around a bit, but I don't know how I'll replace the Corolla at this point in time. But it will work itself out.**

Kaitlin's First Car Accident

I got in a car accident today. I'm okay, just a sore shoulder from the seat belt and a headache/possible mild concussion. And a very bruised ego, along with an overwhelming amount of anger at myself.

I was getting on I91 at Exit 20 in St. Johnsbury, which has a big, sweeping curve as its entrance before it meets up with the actual interstate. Speed limit is 45 mph, and I was doing about 35, because of the bad weather and it was snowing pretty heavily. As I reached the point where the entrance ramp meets the interstate, I started to speed up, and the back end of the car hit some ice and snow and started to come around. I automatically took my foot of the gas and tried to correct the car by turning the other way. Apparently I over corrected, because the car was suddenly going the other way and I slammed into the concrete median thing, to prevent drivers from driving off the overpass. (Thank God) I hit the front right of the car first, and very hard, and then the back end swung into the concrete median as well.

It doesn't look that bad, but the majority of the damage is to the engine. The close up of the headlight is where it shows the most, since the headlight got move in about a foot. My brother when he came to pick me up popped the hood, and the engine is moved back and diagonally a bit. The alternator is crushed, and part of the frame is sitting on the ground. And the engine was leaking some sort of fluid, but I'm not sure if it was oil or starter fluid or whatever. So my car will most likely be totaled, since it's got 223000+ miles on it, and it's only worth about $4000 at the most.

I'm just utterly embarrassed and upset and disgusted at myself. I have no idea how I'm going to get to Castleton to register for classes on Thursday. I'm most likely not going to be able to go to NY anymore, because if the car gets totaled (I should know tomorrow), the rental I get tomorrow morning will need to be returned. I haven't even begun to think about how I will be able to do hotline, because no one in my house gets home until 5:30-6pm, and if I get a call where I have to meet someone, it's a real inconvenience to have to tell them they have to wait until my parents get home so I can borrow the car. The only thing I have to be thankful for is that I'm okay, and that my semester is over, so I don't have to worry about getting to my classes.

I'm just so frustrated. I couldn't have picked a worse time to get in an accident. My family already couldn't afford to do Christmas presents this year, not to mention replace a car. And now I add more to mine and my parent's stress levels. It would be nice to catch a break. What's that saying, Can't win for losing? That's me right now.

Update: 12/18  I am currently in Waterbury at my mom's work waiting to hear back from enterprise about a rental car. Since I'm under 21, I have to be approved by corporate before I can get a car. But I should have one by tonight, and I will be able to get to Castleton. The car is currently at a mechanics body shop, where I will go Thursday afternoon to pick up all my stuff and the license plates from the car, and Friday the car will be inspected and they will tell me it's totaled, and then I will have to get a new car. But I've got a couple of different options at the moment, so I just have to sit back and wait for a little while.

Beyonce is the Queen

For those of you who are living under a rock (jk, jk), Beyonce released an album on December 13th at midnight, without promoting it at all. It has sold 828,773 copies worldwide in just three days, as reported by Apple, and is the number one album in 104 countries. Basically, Beyonce is the queen. No one, in my opinion, can get on her level. I obviously have bought it, as much as I'm going on about it. And I can't stop listening to it. I just love it so much, and I love her. This is quickly turning into a post about my lady crush on Beyonce, but whatever. So far, my favorites are Pretty Hurts, Partition, Flawless, and Blue. I think they're on YouTube by now, so give them a listen and let me know what you think.

Six word stories

As usual, my brain is a jumbled mess of whatever happens to be going on in my life and whatever I have experienced that day. Today, like usual, it's more poems and tidbits from Tumblr. But more specifically, six word stories that (for me at least) leave you wanting more. Here are some of my favorites.

You deserve happiness. So I left.
She chased clouds hoping for rainbows.
Laughter long ago swallowed by shadows.
Do not laugh. We need dreamers.
Smoldering ashes. You stole my fire.

(These are all from the same blog and author) 

(These are just random finds on Tumblr)

I miss how you wanted me. 

You are somebody. Not some body.

The people you love become ghosts.

I discovered myself while discovering you.

Someone loving you doesn't fix you.

We all die with unanswered questions.

Under your finger tips, I matter.

Eye contact: how souls catch fire.

There are no winners, only survivors.

Hearts grow heavy with the sea.

But with you, it was different.

And finally, a Margaret Atwood quote: "There are mountains inside your skull," which comes from the longer quote:

at last you, will say
(maybe without speaking)

(there are mountains
inside your skull
garden and chaos, ocean
and hurricane; certain
corners of rooms, portraits
of great-grandmothers, curtains
of a particular shade;
your deserts; your private
dinosaurs; the first
woman)

all I need to know:
tell me
everything
just as it was
from the beginning.

Changes

On Saturday, I went to tour Castleton's campus. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I had decided early in this semester that I was going to transfer for next spring, but now that the time has finally arrived and I'm almost there, I'm scared. I don't know why exactly. I'm nervous to live away from home for the first time. I don't know how long it will take to become friends with my roommate. I'm not 100% sure about the food (from what they had available during lunch, or brunch as it's called on the weekend when they serve omelettes and chocolate chip pancakes at noon.) It's certainly not home cooked meals. I just suddenly unsure, but it's going to happen.

I'm confident about some things though. I'm looking forward to the new learning environment, to the teachers that I've met and all the potential courses. I'm excited about my major; Global Studies. (I'm not too thrilled with the need for 12 credits in a language alone, but there are worse things.) I get to travel abroad for a semester, it's required for a Global Studies major. I might become a journalist because of my degree, and I am just excited for my future, even though I have no idea what it will really hold. It's all unknown at this point, with a lot changes about to happen, so it's completely terrifying but amazing all at the same time.

Long Post Alert

I've been watching Slam Poetry for the better part of the night. Here are some of my favorites.

Actively Procrastinating

I find when I am actively avoiding doing something, whether it's homework or housework or whatever else is on my list of things to do, I happen to come across the most interesting things the internet has to offer. Justina knows I have a Tumblr blog as well as this one, but for those who don't know, Tumblr is a massive blogging platform that allows people to share and reblog and post things. (I recommend it, but just know that I created my blog in August of last year and I can't remember what I used to do with all my free time before it. It's very addicting.) Anyway, some of the blogs I follow post the most amazing things, like the poem in my last post, or some of the inspirational advice I've posted in the first few weeks of this blog. Today's little gold mine is this poem, called "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love" by Warsan Shire. You can listen to it here, read by Warsan: Audio

you are a horse running alone

and he tries to tame you

compares you to an impossible highway

to a burning house

says you are blinding him

that he could never leave you

forget you

want anything but you

you dizzy him, you are unbearable

every woman before or after you

is doused in your name

you fill his mouth

his teeth ache with memory of taste

his body just a long shadow seeking yours

but you are always too intense

frightening in the way you want him

unashamed and sacrificial

he tells you that no man can live up to the one who

lives in your head

and you tried to change didn't you?

closed your mouth more

tried to be softer

prettier

less volatile, less awake

but even when sleeping you could feel

him travelling away from you in his dreams

so what did you want to do love

split his head open?

you can't make homes out of human beings

someone should have already told you that

and if he wants to leave

then let him leave

you are terrifying

and strange and beautiful

something not everyone knows how to love.

She has a book called Teaching My Mother How To Give Birth, which I have ordered and am currently waiting for it to arrive. Some of her other poems and words of wisdom are also amazing; I'll post my favorites below.

“My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.”

“two people who were once very close can
without blame
or grand betrayal
become strangers.
perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world.”

“make love
like you have no
secrets
like you’ve
never been
left
never been
hurt
like the world
don’t owe you a
single
wretched
thing.”

“Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same.”

“It's not my responsibility to be beautiful. I'm not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me.”

“the year of letting go, of understanding loss. grace. of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. the year of humanity/humility. when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. everyone i’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. the year i broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. the year i learnt small talk. and how to smile at strangers. the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. the year of sugar, everywhere. softness. sweetness. honey honey. the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. the year i made peace and love, right here.”

Persephone Lied

The truth is, I was bored.

My mother blissing ahead of me, rosebuds rising in her footsteps,
And I skulking behind, thinking,
Oh look. She walks in beauty.
Again.

Her power could boil rivers, if she chose.
She doesn’t choose. She scatters
Heliotrope behind her.

And me, I’ve no powers. I think she’d like
A decorative daughter. A link to the humans
She feeds with her scattered wheat.
A daughter wed to a swineherd’s just the thing
To show that Demeter’s a down-to-earth
Kind of goddess.

Do you know what swineherds talk about?
Swine.
Diseases of, ways to cook;
“That ‘un’s got no milk for ‘er shoats;
Him, there, he’s got boggy trotters.”

And when he leaned in, smiling,
While we sat in a bower sagged with Mother’s honeysuckle,
When he said, “Now,
My herd’s growing and I’m thinking I could feed a wife—”
That’s when I snapped, I howled, I ran.

And when a hole opened up, a beautiful black, in all the pastels of my mother’s sowing.
Let me fix the lie: Nobody grabbed, nobody pulled.
I jumped.

I thought it was a tiny earthquake,
Thought I was killing myself,
Starting a long journey to Hades.
It was a more direct trip
Than I’d imagined—
I landed in his lap.

He just looked at me, said “Well,”
And kept driving his chariot down,
Flicked his leather reins near my face.
He did not give me flowers.
He never spoke of pigs.

Didn’t speak much at all. Just took me down in darkness
And did dark things.
I liked them.

I stumbled through his grey gardens, after,
Sore and smiling.
And the gardener said, “Little girl,
Little sunlit flower,
You belong in the world above.
Trust that they’ll come for you,
But while you wait
Don’t eat the food of the dead, for it will trap you here.”
And I said give me the fucking fruit.

But when I ate I could hear her howling,
See her spreading winter on the world.
My poor mother, who missed me after all;
My poor swineherd, starving.
Huddled up for warmth with the few he hadn’t eaten.

I spat out half the seeds.

So now I suffer through the summers,
Smile at the swineherd who tells me
Which shoat is off its feed.
Smile at my mother and walk behind her.
My powers have come to me now, and in her candy-colored wake I scatter
Sundew and flytrap, nettles and belladonna.

I smile and wait for November,
For when I come back to you.
Your clever cold hands and your hard black boots.
I don’t ask what the leather is made from.

I don’t think I want to know.

-Spuffyduds

I love, love, love this poem. I think the only one that even comes close is What Lot's Wife Would Have Said (If She Wasn't A Pillar of Salt).

On Happiness

“Don’t ever put your happiness in someone else’s hands. 

They’ll drop it. They’ll drop it every time.” 

—  Christopher Barzak

I hadn't ever thought of anything like this. (Maybe one day I'll be able to coin my own inspirational thoughts that people will blog about, or post in Facebook statuses or on Twitter, but not today.) I am the only person who is in control of my happiness, which makes sense. When I depend on others to "make" me happy, I'm usually not. I can be happy because of other people, but they don't control my happiness. 

To This Day

I first saw this video on Tumblr (thanks Justina!) a week or so ago. I've been thinking about it ever since. I've decided to share my own To This Day experience.

So as many of you know, depression took over my life my sophomore year of high school. I was still involved in many school activities though, trying to hide how this invisible disease had taken over my life. I was in Student Council, National Honor Society, I played soccer, I managed Varsity softball, and I was class secretary. As class secretary, I was just supposed to take notes and make sure everyone knew when the meetings were, but as the school year went on, I had to start taking on more and more. I was coming up with class fundraisers and designing bulletins by my self. I was organizing events like a 50/50 raffle and middle school dances and trying to organize meetings, because we had Junior Prom to start thinking of for next year. I was doing everything by myself. Every time I tried to get someone else involved or tried to get someone else's input, they'd blow me off or tell me point blank that they didn't care. So I took over completely. I had decided to make my classes problems personal. I was Atlas, holding everyone else up above me, when I let go.

I got sick the day before a scheduled movie day I had single-handedly planned. I got permission to use the schools library; I wrote, signed and addressed permission slips to parents; I got an after school bus for kids who's parents wouldn't be picking them up for free. I did everything, but by the end of that planning, I was so stressed out. Thursday afternoon, before the movie day, the softball team I managed had a game in the pouring rain and I got sick. I didn't go to school the next day. I texted, emailed, and Facebooked everyone who had "agreed" to help with the event that everything was taken care of, all they had to do was set everything up. I didn't get a reply from anyone.

I came to school on Monday and the world I had been trying to hold up for so long had crashed all around me. My "friends" were angry at me and wouldn't tell me why. I was replaced as class secretary that week, without being told there was a class meeting where the entire class would vote. Apparently, they didn't approve of me doing everything on my own and wanted me to include them. I learned a lot that year, about myself, about my classmates, and about the world. It was the first time I realized how much growing up was going to hurt.

To this day, I'm still afraid to take on too much, to really push myself to accomplish something. I'm also afraid to trust other people to help me. I'm scared that if I let people in, they'll be part of what brings me down someday.

NaNoWriMo

So for those who might not know what that is, NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month, (November). And I just signed up. I'm excited, but also a bit apprehensive. I want to further the writing that I do in class and turn it into a novel. I have to write 50,000 words in just the month of November, so filling in the blanks from where my writing jumps from one subject to the next is what I'm going to do, since the writings I've already completed don't count. I'm hoping that by telling all of you here will keep me motivated and will make me want to write in my spare time. This project will give me something to do, something to focus my writing towards. And maybe I'll get a book out of it. Who knows, right?

The things I find on Tumblr

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals—sounds that say listen to this, it is important.

-Gary Provost

Found: Inspirational Advice For Writers

What nobody tells people who are beginners — and I really wish someone had told this to me … is that all of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, and it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not.

But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase. They quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know it’s normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story.

It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.

-Ira Glass

Neil Gaiman is quite possibly my favorite person at the moment...

...although since my favorite person at the moment is entirely dependent on my current mood, this could change later tonight or next week or whenever. I'm not too worried about it, because I think there are lots of people out there who could be even better than Neil Gaiman and I want to give those people equal amounts of dedication. But I'm getting off topic.

Neil Gaiman is probably most known for writing the graphic novel The Sandman, which was published by DC Comics, as well as his novel American Gods and Coraline, which was turned into a movie. I'm not very familiar with The Sandman or American Gods, but I read Coraline when I was in middle school, before it was turned into a movie. I see a lot of Neil Gaiman quotes on Tumblr, so I'm going to post some of them here:

Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters.

Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten. (From Coraline)

I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. ... I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it. (from American Gods)

There are so many fragile things, after all. People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts. (from Fragile Things: short fictions and wonders)

All your questions can be answered, if that is what you want. But once you learn your answers, you can never unlearn them. (From American Gods)

You get what anybody gets - you get a lifetime. (From The Sandman)

I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something. So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

Stand By Me

This song has been playing in repeat all day in my head. I'm not sure how it got there originally, but it's not a bad song to have circling around my brain. 

Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me. Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me.

These I Can Promise

The reason I titled my blog "What I Can Promise" is largely because of the Mark Twain Poem "These I Can Promise":

These I Can Promise - Mark Twain

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine; 

I cannot promise you riches, wealth or gold; 

I cannot promise you an easy pathway 

That leads away from change or growing old. 

But I can promise all my heart's devotion; 

A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow. 

A love that's true and ever growing; 

A hand to hold in your's through each tomorrow. 

I think this poem holds true to many people's idea of the future and the person they'd like to become. There are a lot of things in life that I can't promise. But I hope to be able to be there for the people in my life, to do all the things this poem lists, to be devoted, to help ease sorrow, to love, and to help someone get through the day. There are a lot of things I don't know, like how many miles it is to the moon, or what the population of Greece is, or what the meaning of life is (although I am starting to think that the meaning of life is to find the meaning in life, which is a whole complicated idea all in its own) but I do know that I have a lot of compassion, and I'd like to be able to share that with the people in my life.

The other reason why I named my blog "What I Can Promise" is because of what I mentioned earlier in class today. I want to make a difference in my life and the society that I live in. I've started that a bit with the work I'm doing with Umbrella, but I want to go further than that. I want to write articles about conflicts in the middle east and about feminism and how the world is entirely unfair. More importantly, I want those articles to be read and talked about, and maybe even change someones idea about something, to make them think in a different way then they did before. I remember the articles in The New York Times that I used to read, the articles in my father's copies of The Rolling Stones, articles in Reader's Digest that would be at my doctors office. All the articles that I remember impacted me in some way. They opened my mind to ideas that I was previously shut to. They made me think about life, how I was living it and how I wanted to begin living it. There are books that I've read that made me think as well. The Great Gatsby - Fitzgerald, The Fault In Ours Stars - John Green, As I Lay Dying - Faulkner, Huck Finn - Twain, Where The Sidewalk Ends - Silverstein, Henry V - Shakespeare, The House on Mango Street - Cisneros, 1984 - Orwell, The Color Purple - Walker. Most of these were school assignments, but I ended up loving all of them and they changed me in a way. This is what I want to do with my life. I want to change someone, just by writing down an experience and developing it further, to explore the meaning behind it. This is the type of writer I hope to become.

Kaitlin