I first saw this video on Tumblr (thanks Justina!) a week or so ago. I've been thinking about it ever since. I've decided to share my own To This Day experience.
So as many of you know, depression took over my life my sophomore year of high school. I was still involved in many school activities though, trying to hide how this invisible disease had taken over my life. I was in Student Council, National Honor Society, I played soccer, I managed Varsity softball, and I was class secretary. As class secretary, I was just supposed to take notes and make sure everyone knew when the meetings were, but as the school year went on, I had to start taking on more and more. I was coming up with class fundraisers and designing bulletins by my self. I was organizing events like a 50/50 raffle and middle school dances and trying to organize meetings, because we had Junior Prom to start thinking of for next year. I was doing everything by myself. Every time I tried to get someone else involved or tried to get someone else's input, they'd blow me off or tell me point blank that they didn't care. So I took over completely. I had decided to make my classes problems personal. I was Atlas, holding everyone else up above me, when I let go.
I got sick the day before a scheduled movie day I had single-handedly planned. I got permission to use the schools library; I wrote, signed and addressed permission slips to parents; I got an after school bus for kids who's parents wouldn't be picking them up for free. I did everything, but by the end of that planning, I was so stressed out. Thursday afternoon, before the movie day, the softball team I managed had a game in the pouring rain and I got sick. I didn't go to school the next day. I texted, emailed, and Facebooked everyone who had "agreed" to help with the event that everything was taken care of, all they had to do was set everything up. I didn't get a reply from anyone.
I came to school on Monday and the world I had been trying to hold up for so long had crashed all around me. My "friends" were angry at me and wouldn't tell me why. I was replaced as class secretary that week, without being told there was a class meeting where the entire class would vote. Apparently, they didn't approve of me doing everything on my own and wanted me to include them. I learned a lot that year, about myself, about my classmates, and about the world. It was the first time I realized how much growing up was going to hurt.
To this day, I'm still afraid to take on too much, to really push myself to accomplish something. I'm also afraid to trust other people to help me. I'm scared that if I let people in, they'll be part of what brings me down someday.
Your last line gave me chills. Like you might expect from me, there is a John Mayer song that states, "You're no one 'til someone lets you down." I'm not saying it's easy to have people be mean or let you down, but I'm sure it has made you a more compassionate and understanding person.
ReplyDeleteJustina makes a good point about how much you learn from being let down. It is the getting back up that shows us our strength, our own worth. But sometimes the wounds left from the fall leave you afraid to take chances, afraid to risk getting hurt again. I battled with those fears and those old wounds for a long time. I'm not even sure if it was one experience or another I was afraid of repeating, but I know how anxious and closed off it made me. And I know how much better it is to release it all and move on. It's hard work, but you realize your strength is what protects you -- not your fears.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, Kaitlin. You draw us right into your story. So heartbreaking with the friends at the end, but like Tracy, I think Justina makes a good point. I'm dittoing Tracy's ditto. (Who knew that "dittoing" was a word!)
ReplyDeleteOne more thing: I love the video; I assign it to my other class every semester (I've actually been thinking about using it as a prompt for our class - hmmm). When I read your post I can hear it as a poem the way Shane recites To This Day. It would be so cool if you could record yourself reading your post and put music behind it, you know, building up to your ending. That would rock!
ReplyDeleteI honestly wanted to deck your classmates after reading this. Well done.
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